Sooooooo, I’ve started this a hundred times, in my head. Each time I cannot decide on format or words or timing or emotion…so, bear with me, I’m just going to write.
Vulnerability for me was something that for many years I was taught (I didn’t necessarily believe) to be weakness. It wasn’t until I was out on my own and really, truly making my own decisions that I found out it was absolutely necessary for me to be vulnerable on several levels for several reasons. I needed to be vulnerable in love, to give and to receive. I needed to be vulnerable with my leadership, to show failure is a sign of strength, again not weakness. I grew up hearing (again, not believing, this is a trend through my story) that I should not be outspoken, that I should not wear stripes around (I’m an average size woman) and I certainly should never put myself in the limelight – girls didn’t belong there. I didn’t belong there.
My brother did (he was good at everything he did, the first time he did it)…others did, but I didn’t. Poppycock…remember the dirty dancing “no one puts baby in a corner”? Welcome to my world…I became the parent I wanted, I became the leader I needed, I became the friend I hoped for. I became vulnerable to BUILD my strength in all of these areas…I fail repeatedly at one….. the love, but I haven’t given up.
I don’t mind failing anymore. Heavy emphasis on anymore.
I lead from a place of vulnerability. I don’t mind failing anymore. Heavy emphasis on anymore. I carried the weight of not being good enough, being second to my brother for YEARS…YEARS!!!!! It was always a big sigh and a try your best, with a heavy undertone of unspoken premature disappointment in me. Let’s fast forward from those days…oh wait, they aren’t over yet :). (Let’s insert something here I feel is important. My brother is very successful, he earned everything he has himself, no handouts, nothing given not earned…but he’s not a good person. He got the talent, I got the heart.) What I learned was that IF my best wasn’t good enough I was either with the wrong people, the wrong employer or just plain not where I was supposed to be.
Once I became vulnerable to my own emotions I became clear on my standards. I set a bar of expectations…for me and for those around me. Yep, I let that bar down a time or 2…or 12 if I’m being honest. Realization sets in and I raise it again and brush myself off and start again…stronger, smarter and more determined. I’ve become vulnerable enough to admit to myself that even with failure, even with mistakes and poor choices (in people, with money, decisions) I am good enough, I am not second best. I am vulnerable and brave and courageous and loved (by me first and most). Please don’t be misled to think this came easy or didn’t take time or that I don’t still stumble…I just don’t stay down, and more importantly don’t let others bring me down, I don’t belong down there, I never did.